Coffee Coup of 2021
Coffee Coup of 2021
| Date | Inauguration Day 2021 |
| Location | Washington DC |
| Death Toll | 21.5 |
| Context | 2020 presidential Election, The Worst Days |
| Perpetrator | Jeffrey Meena, Rabo, BOB, Adelheid Smith, Cerrita Romanov |
| Involved | Dmitriy Heaven Club, Hallowed Council, Friendly Council, Witch's Coven |
The Coffee Coup of 2021 was the event directly following the 2020 United States Presidential Election and the Worst Days, where Jeffrey Meena won an upset third party victory. It led to the "killing" of the Crimson Bean, the freeing of the American Presidency from the direct control of the Friendly Council. BOB finally faced Gar, defeating him, but being killed by Gar's husband Rabo, completing BOB's transformation into a Super Ghost.
"Hallowed Council and FraPPUCCiNO, Assemble!"
Since the events of the Worst Days, several members of the Hallowed Council of Severe Thunderstorms had joined the presidential campaigns of either Jeffrey Meena or Adelheid Smith for their support for the existence of coffee. After Meena won the election, The Crimson Bean (Crimson Trump) began a secret operation using its REPTILE commanders of the Department of Homeland Security, the FBI, and the CIA to systematically remove caffeine from businesses. On November 24th, 2020, Crimson Trump publically introduced the Orange Lid Act, banning the import of coffee to the United States. It also included a UN-approved initiative to use "humanitarian forces" in countries that produced coffee, including the Gambia.
Yellow Ken and Paul McSaggins tried to persuade Rabo and the Dmitriy Heaven Club to join forces with the Hallowed Council to kill the Crimson Bean. Rabo, being married to Gar, had to refuse, regretting his decision to betray the Friendly Council and support Jeffrey Meena during the GamBABY Jam Massacre of 2019. Soon later, for mysterious reasons, Gar showed up in California to inform Rabo that the Friendly Council wanted him to attend the coming fight.
Inauguration Day, Independence Day
The inauguration of President Jeffrey Meena was the most-attended inauguration in American history. Among those attending and standing behind Meena as he swore the oath were Vice President Maribel Sarkeesian, Rabo, Jill Meena, Jackie Bean, Adelheid Smith, Cerrita Romanov, Juanito Romanov, Yellow Ken, Paul McSaggins, BOB, Yosef Romanov, Aleksey Pivovarov Requiem, Yahya Jammeh Requiem, Eva Braun 2, Björn Lopez, David Branx, and Stefan deGrassi.
Hidden among the audience were Gar, Warlord Wife Buba, Benedict Almami, The Jersey Devil, Sack Man, Teshub, The Crimean Man, Tara Smelt, Xavier Muchissimo, Dale, Zagros Enkidu, Bobby Tweed, and, of course, The Crimson Bean.
After the ceremony, Crimson Trump and his Friendly Council allies quickly made their way to the White House to "pack up" before leaving the White House once and for all, "just like any outgoing president." The Friendly Council sealed off the entrance to the Oval Office, and the Crimson Bean shed his Trump form, much to the surprise of Vice President Mike Pence, who was just a normal human who realized he'd been played. He attempted to awkwardly leave but was deleted by The Hand of Fate.
The convoy of the second assembly of FraPPUCCiNO travelled in the presidential limo towards the White House. They experienced several mysterious technical difficulties, but under huge public spectacle the group made it to the White House.
Meena led the charge into the White House, followed by Sarkeesian, BOB, Rabo, and the rest. The secret service agents all stood as if frozen in time. They all knew that they'd be in for a fight either way; Meena's goal was specifically to kill the Crimson Bean.
They attempted to break down the sealed doors to the Oval Office but failed. Rabo and BOB's combined source would break the seal for an instant but it would reconstruct itself. Once the group was good and frustrated, the doors opened on their own.
The Crimson Bean and several of the most powerful members of the Friendly Council stood in the office, facing the door. The Crimson Bean sat in the president's chair and greeted Jeffrey, Juanito, BOB, and Eva Braun 2 individually. After a brief speech about fate being completely in the hands of the Friendly Council by Dale(towards BOB), Gar(also towards BOB and his husband Rabo) and The Crimson Bean(towards Jeffrey).
The Crimson Bean stood up and reached out his hand, pulling Meena's daughter Jill towards him, killing her by absorbing her fertility.
This deeply outraged Jeffrey, Jackie Bean, Rabo, Cerrita, and Adelheid. Rabo was deeply conflicted, as a friend of his husband had just killed one of the members of his own cult family.
Then the battle began.
Most Super of Death (The Man Comes Around)
The ensuing battle lasted 25 minutes.
With the combined power of Adelheid, Cerrita, Yosef, Jackie, and finally Rabo(after a nod from Gar permitted him), Jeffrey struck the final blow that allowed the Crimson Bean to be destroyed. An explosion of corrupted source and light energy burst forth, releasing the soul of Adolf Hitler quantum-inverted into the universe.
Meanwhile BOB and Paul fought with Gar, using his newly advance source abilities to finally successfuly damage him for the first time. When the Crimson Bean was killed, everybody in the room froze with shock, some fearing the literal end of the universe. When EL seemed to have no interest in reviving the Crimson Bean and undoing the damage, literally every person and being in the room was confused except for Dale, Teshub, and Paul McSaggins.
Jeffrey panted, now coursing with power as red clouds of light piled up in the ceiling above him. He approached the throne of the Oval Office and sat.
Gar was absolutely astounded by the destruction of the Crimson Bean, and in his distraction, BOB punched him through his back, tearing his source into the quantum foam. BOB pulled himself up to Gar's now pale face and whispered
"The deal's off, Gar."
Rabo quickly noticed that his lover was being torn apart by his own art, the source. Rabo, for the first time since reaching Fertile Apotheosis, had both met a worthy adversary and lost his temper. He began to charge. Paul, Dale, and Teshub lost their confidence and began preparing to defend BOB, claiming that this was not part of the plan.
Paul moved the group at light speed through a satellite signal into geostationary orbit above the White House, just before Rabo lunged on the spot with another tear in the source. Rabo rewrote himself up in the same location as BOB and the others. BOB, upon seeing Rabo, tore the very makeup of Gar into nothingness as Gar's last words - "Rabo, my love, calm yourself, we have already won" - echoed through the clouds of smoke.
Rabo immediately attempted to simultaneously unwrite BOB from existence and recreate Gar. But at that very moment, BOB knew that his moment of destiny had arrived, and he, too, achieved Fertile Apotheosis and unwrote Rabo's unwriting. Dale, Teshub, and Paul observed in shock as this occurred, looking around space for EL to arrive and stop the madness, or worse, end the universe.
Rabo responded to BOB's power by punching him and throwing him diagonally backward in time and upwards through the dimensions. BOB did not attempt to prevent this but rather sped up his translation through the dimensions, intentionally leading Rabo towards the Safe Asymptote, temporally in the year 0 A.D. The Asymptote, being a region lacking of possibility in the Imaginary Plane, cannot contain source but requires such power to reach. That being said, with a pulse of energy, the both of them slapped the singularity point of the Asymptote and began to trail exponentially in the +i direction. Reaching this mathematical discontinuity altered the very coding that made up BOB and Rabo. In fear of losing literal constitution, Rabo pulled himself forwards temporally and BOB followed. They found themselves in the midst of a pack of Timeless Beings feeding off the energetic residue of the Crimson Bean and Gar near the +27i range, beyond any stable array of universes. Narrowly dodging the Timeless Beings, Rabo met physically with the residue of Gar, reconstructing what he could in the blink of an eye.
The Residue of Gar told Rabo faintly that it would be impossible to Super-Kill BOB, he could only die the death of a mortal and become a Super Ghost. It was the onl thing that EL would allow. BOB ragefully reconstructed some of the Crimson Bean's residue, making a small soul of Adolf Hitler into a projectile and launching it at Rabo. Rabo redirected the energy of the Hitler projectile by completely inverting its properties. In an instant, BOB was struck with a sterile beam of energy in the stomach. The force threw him directly into one of the Timeless Beings, and he barely managed to deconstruct its very existence and his legs were damaged by their energy stealing properties.
BOB attempted to mimic Rabo and rewrite himself next to him, and used his opportunity attack to place the remains of Gar against the discontinuity of the Safe Asymptote, and his particles approached infinity in the +i direction so infinitely fast that Rabo could not comprehend the location anymore, and neither could BOB.
Rabo then placed the both of them back in -17i at the satellite above Earth. He converted himself into pure Sterility and made BOB cycle between Fertility, Sterility, Anility, and Virility at a rate so fast that BOB could not gather his bearings. The both of them began to blast towards the Earth straight down, turning into a flaming missile. The United States Military identified the projectile as a potential nuclear warhead directed at the White House and they intervened with an armada of counter-ballistic missiles.
Paul felt the radiation of the missiles approaching and placed himself in BOB and Rabo's meteor. He warned them that nuclear warheads were incoming. BOB and Rabo completely ignored him and were rewriting the very nature of the universe and such a fast rate that they both became a white glow that rivaled the brightness of EL. As the missiles approached, Paul made a last-ditch effort to keep BOB from being Super-Killed by cycling through BOB's rapidly fluctuating radiation resonances and forming a shield around him.
53 nuclear warheads then struck BOB, Rabo, and Paul at about the same time, lighting up the sky above Washington DC ten times brighter than the sun.
From above, Dale and Teshub assumed that EL had finally arrived to put an end to this. In a sense, he had done exactly that.
Back in the Oval Office, the remains of the Crimson Bean smoldered along the ceiling of the room. A bright light intervened, likely that of EL himself, and the red particles formulated into a semblance of Rada K. Romanov that whispered "Jeffrey Meena" and hovered in front of Yosef and Aleksey, who were heavily injured.
Jeffrey, with his legs propped up on the president's desk, still panting, looked over. He replied
"Oh yeah. Now that the Crimson Bean is dead, I don't need all the fertilities I used for my campaign, you know? Yeah, I had an agent of mine steal Rada's fertility when you all visited her in Russia. It wasn't my idea, you can thank Maribel for that. But here, have it back now, I'm sure there's something you can do with it."
Maribel explained that she had learned of the Romanov family in the early 2000s while she spent time with the Gucci Bean Haus crew in Florida.
Yosef and Aleksey looked horrified at the president, but before they could respond, a series of alarms went off around the White House. The Secret Service Agents were still in suspended animation, so nothing was done as two charred bodies fell from the glowing heavens.
Every survivor from inside ventured outside to the front garden of the White House. Paul appeared from a shell of energy around BOB and collapsed to the ground, hyperventilating. BOB and Rabo laid on the ground next to each other, both their bodies fried and missing limbs. Paul lifted himself up and said that BOB and Rabo had their energies bound and merged so tightly in the quantum realm that they both were mortal until one of them died.
BOB, missing his legs from the calves down and his left hand from the elbow down, shifted upon the ground, finally commanding someone to super-kill him. Rabo, missing only his left foot and left hand, told his fellow Friendly Council members to just kill him.
Jeffrey, Yosef, and Aleksey approached BOB. Jeffrey materialized Rada's fertility. Paul became morally panicked. Against BOB's wishes, he placed Rada's fertility within BOB, and at the same moment Paul transported himself to a Secret Service Walk-E Talk-E and took his pistol and then beamed back to the spot he was originally at. He looked at BOB and said "Sorry, buddy, I'll see you soon" and, with tears in his eyes, shot BOB in the head, straight through his left eye.
Yosef tackled Paul immediately and Paul didn't even attempt to use his powers to stop him. After a good pummelling, Yosef asked Paul why he wasn't fighting back. Paul responded:
"I knew all along, that destiny had always bound him to become a Super Ghost and serve the Friendly Council... I didn't want to be the one to have to do make it happen. After all the fighting we'd done, I ended up liking him. He was suffering; if I didn't kill him now it would only be prolonging the mighty hand of fate."
With that, a funnel of light appeared out of the nuclear clouds above the White House, revealing the blinding form of EL. With the movement of one finger, BOB shed his mortal form and became a Super Ghost, rising from his own ashes still missing his eye and limbs and bearing an expression of darkness. He made eye contact with Paul, who immediately apologized. BOB gave a look of understanding to Paul, then looked towards Aleksey and Yosef and said
"Fate is not the end, the Hallowed Council will have its way some day, I assure you. This is not the end."
BOB vanished into +17i, and Rabo retracted from his position on the ground, weakly reconstructing his limbs and crying.
Members of the Friendly Council and of the Hallowed Council and the future cabinet of President Jeffrey Meena all stood together, not fighting, but rather looking onward in silence in shock but acceptance of what had just happened to the world.
Quantum Afterglow (Everybody Wants to Rule the World)
The Friendly Council no longer directly held the government of the United States as a puppet, however everybody there that day fully realized that everything that happened was part of EL's plan. While saving caffeine in the United States and also beginning the division of the coffee oligopoly in America, every extrafertile knew from that day onward that the Friendly Council was truly omnipotent, but not necessarily indomitable.
BOB refused to bow to the Friendly Council, but the very nature of his existence as a Super Ghost appeared to be proof enough that his consent in the matter was not an issue. He became the Super Ghost of Washington, DC, filling the 7-year void left by Super JFK.
Rabo, who loved Gar very much, was outraged that his husband's death was part of the Friendly Council's plan and decided to go against their wishes. If another being could gain the powers Rabo had, then they would have a chance. The only other being than BOB that Rabo had exposed to source was an undead incel of his creation, Dmitriy Gurevich, who had last been seen captured by Odin before 9/11 of the Dead. It would surely be a challenge for such a manlet to reach Fertile Apotheosis, but Rabo vowed to dedicate what remained of his cult to bring him back to the Mortal Plane, again.