Compromise of 2024

Compromise of 2024

The logic of the Compromise of 2024. Yellow: Jeffrey Meena (218). Purple: Adelheid Smith (215). Black: Independence Movements (105). Red: Protest Votes for the Flahamas Movement (0)

Date	November-December 2024
Location	Washington, DC (at the time still part of the United States)
Death Toll	17
Damage	the loss of several US states and its capital
Context	2024 United States Presidential Election
Perpetrator	Jeffrey Meena

The Compromise of 2024 was a series of deals struck between sitting president Jeffrey Meena and the United States House of Representatives that yielded in Meena being granted a second term in office despite not winning 270 Electoral College votes.

These debates, which sometimes devolved into physical altercations, resulted in the independence of the Principality of The Flahamas, the Land O' Lakes, and Washington, DC. Seventeen people either died or were granted Super Death.

Oopsies, the Electoral College Wasn't Supposed to Do That! (November 2024)

When the 2024 United States Presidential Election yielded in no candidate gaining over 270 electoral votes, chaos erupted. The election was sent to the House of Representatives, where each state was to pick a candidate by a consensus of the house districts. The opposition parties, the Witch's Coven Party and the Neoliberal Sonic Fans' Party knew their only chance at preventing a second term for Jeffrey Meena was to unite together. After several days of argument, the Sonic Fans relented and offered a new ticket - Adelheid Smith for President, and Sharon Kay for Vice President. This unified opposition yielded 215 electoral votes, just shy of Jeffrey Meena's 218-vote plurality. But the question still remained - what would the secessionist states do?

In some shady, smoke-filled room, Marco Rubio of the Flahamas Movement, Akifumi Shimoda of Independent DC and Salazar O'Conner of the Land O' Lakes Movement met with Jeffrey Meena and offered their support for him in the house vote, in exchange for granting them independence. When this was revealed to the public, the opposition declared this action unconstitutional. When the consensus of the majority decided "Yeah it is," the opposition declared that they would not recognize the votes of the seceding states, as they wished to leave the union in general.

This put extreme pressure on House Speaker Charles Sumner Jagodzinski.

The Caning of Jagodzinski (December 2024)

Jagodzinski had originally been a Republican before switching to the We Love America Yay Party in 2021, swayed by President Meena's passion for caffeine. After the 2022 Midterm Election, he found himself Speaker of the House, supported by Sonic Fans and We Love America Yay members alike. He truly had no idea what he had gotten himself into.

The prospect of allowing several states, and the federal district that housed the government, to leave the Union for the sake of allowing Jeffrey Meena to hold a second term in office was utterly baffling to him. Little did he know that there was a force beyond his understanding pulling the strings: Super Epstein.

Super Epstein's ability, "Government Hooker," allows him to influence the decisions of elected officials to vote according to his will when he is present. Lurking intangibly, he was present during these discussions, over which Charles was presiding. However, for some reason he wasn't affected by Super Epstein's influence. How could this be?

Also in the room was presidential hopeful Adelheid Smith of the Witch's Coven Party. She briefly held a seat in the House from 2016 to 2018, but had lost her seat, making her immune to Epstein's power. Epstein was told by the Friendly Council to leave Adelheid alone, for now.

But Adelheid, upon walking into the House Chamber one cold December morning, noticed Charles Sumner Jagodzinski glowing faintly green. To her, the meaning of this couldn't be any more obvious: her ability, "I'm Not Bitter," had activated, and Jagodzinski was bound by fate to suffer some kind of horrific outcome that would one day lead to her benefit. After having one of her brief visions of the Imaginary Plane, Adelheid was able to discern the looming figure of Super Epstein, crouching in the corner of the wall and ceiling like a spider stalking its prey. Knowing he'd been identified, Epstein smirked with his translucent face and soulless eyes down upon Adelheid. It appeared that Epstein knew something she didn't.

Charles stood awkwardly at the Speaker's podium, not knowing why Adelheid was staring him down, or perhaps staring through him with a look of utter disgust and rage. He was already shaking by the time the House floor filled up. Adelheid continued staring, barely even blinking. Soon, Maribel Sarkeesian, the separated wife of the president, entered the room as well. Sarkeesian would be responsible for certifying the election after all this nonsense was over, and she had every intention of working against her husband, who had betrayed her by choosing Louisiana Senator Harlow Tinfoil as his running mate instead of her. Jeffrey and Harlow entered the room soon after, both drinking particularly potent coffees. They positioned themselves on the opposite side of the chamber from Sarkeesian. After chugging the remainder of his beverage and chucking the styrofoam cup to the floor without hesitation, Meena felt the essence of a Super Ghost in the room as well. He quickly ascertained that Adelheid Smith was facing the Super Ghost based on her determined demeanor. It was either Jagodzinski himself, or somewhere behind him.

The tension was palpable. Charles took a sip from his reused Dasani water bottle, trembling and spilling some water as he did so. He called the Chamber to order - and within one second a shout emerged -

"WEST FLAHAMAS VOTES FOR MEENA! THEN WE LEAVE!"

Within seconds, the crowd burst into chaos. People were shouting, pushing one another, and soon outright fighting. Adelheid stood still, still staring at Epstein, who was now chuckling from his ceiling corner. Jeffrey Meena noticed the obvious nerves on Charles' face and in his body language, and assumed that somehow he was up to something. If Charles was a Super Ghost, or was possessed by one, then that would mean that the Friendly Council had invested its interest in Jeffrey's own allies, in the party he had made. And Meena also knew that, though he and Adelheid were political opponents in this scenario, they both had the common interest of keeping the Friendly Council out of the American federal government.

Adelheid watched Super Epstein's eyes widen with excitement. Charles put his head down on the podium, smacking the microphone with a deafening thud that rang so loud that most of the House was brought to attention. It was clear that he was panicked, dripping with sweat and spilled water, trembling in the hands and tapping a foot aggressively. This was all the evidence the President needed to know that he was possessed. Adelheid wasn't even paying attention, as she was still fixated on not losing track of Super Epstein's position.

Nearly crying, Charles finally opened his mouth to speak.

"WHAT THE FUCK IS EVEN GOING ON!?" he shouted into the microphone at the top of his lungs, so loud that it sent the microphone into a deafening feedback loop before he enclosed it with his veiny hand.

He proceeded to release a 15 minute tirade, expressing his utter and profound confusion as to how the current situation arose. How could anyone possibly be considering letting the *federal district*, the capital city of the nation, leave? Where would the federal government go if Washington, DC was suddenly a different country? His tirade would be interrupted when Donna Schlagenkampf, the non-voting representative for Washington, DC (and an ardent believer in DC Independence), marched down the center aisle, pushed Adelheid out of the way, and proceeded to beat Jagodzinski to within an inch of his life utilizing a large, old-fashioned cane.

The Chamber erupted into chaos and rioting, eventually yielding in the death of three representatives. Jagodzinski was dragged out of the room by fellow We Love America Yay Party members. The Secret Service jumped in and began dragging Meena, Sarkeesian, and Smith out of the room to safety. Adelheid Smith resisted, as she watched Super Epstein break out in laughter before phasing through the wall.

The three of them were brought to a nearby safe room. Adelheid saw Jeffrey Meena's green glow as well, and she had for a while now, but again chose not to mention it. Meena asked the Secret Service to give them a moment in private, and they did so, barricading the door to the safe room from the outside.

Team Jeff Reunion (2024)

Adelheid immediately tried to storm away. She hated Meena and Sarkeesian and wanted to solve the problem herself. Meena exclaimed as she pulled on the locked door:

"I thought Jagodzinski was the problem... Was he not the problem?"

He barely had time to finish his sentence before a familiar face made himself tangible in the opposite corner of the room.

"Jeff!?" They both shouted, nearly in sync.

In his tangible form, Maribel Sarkeesian and Adelheid Smith instantly recognized the face in front of them, the face of a monster, Jeffrey Epstein. While they were disgusted, Jeffrey Meena's reaction was much more mixed.

In fact, they approached each other, gave each other one-armed hugs and performed some sort of secret handshake before shouting "TEAM JEFFFF!"

Horrified, Adelheid asked what was happening. Maribel, burying her eyes in her arm in disappointment, explained that, back in the 2010's, they were part of a secret fraternity called "Team Jeff."

Epstein turned around and explained how they did some "culty shit" back in the day for an extremely powerful man named Jefferson Hues.

Adelheid asked how the two of them had ended up in that situation, to which Meena responded "Well, we were powerful. His name was Jeff, his name was Jeff, actually there were a shitload of Jeffs. So... Team Jeff! Ya know?" To this response, Epstein nodded and Sarkeesian sighed loudly.

Adelheid told the room that Epstein was the Super Ghost in the room, and that he was responsible for something happening in the room. Meena turned to Epstein, looking a bit betrayed, and asked him if he really killed himself. Epstein puckered his mouth and looked to the side, telling Meena all he needed to know about his fellow Jeff.

"You really turned joined the Friendly Council? After all we've been through together?" Meena asked.

"Um, Jeff, sorry to break it to you, but I was always working for the Council."

"Aw, Jeff, no..."

"Jeff..."

"...Jeff."

Meena obviosuly felt personally betrayed. His mission the whole time, his whole reason for becoming president, was to remove the Friendly Council's influence from the federal government once and for all. This was the ultimate slap in the face, coming from an alumni of Team Jeff no less.

Epstein admitted that Meena and FraPPUCCiNO had certainly dealt a blow to the Council's influence over the government. And, he had never been able to influence Meena's actions before he took office, as he could only affect the voting habits of holders of elected offices. But, with the destruction of the Crimson Bean, the recently-killed Epstein was assigned for the time being, at least until the next Sinking of Burong, to keep the seats of government following the "path of least resistance" to the Hand of Fate.

Meena lashed out at Epstein, throwing a fist of rage. Epstein shifted himself through the Imaginary Plane to the Realm of the Dead in that moment. Adelheid and Meena quickly followed.

Now in the Capitol of the Dead, Meena exclaimed to Epstein:

"Idiot! You know this isn't your jurisdiction, right? The energy from that transfer will alert Super BOB of our presence."

Epstein didn't care. He bolted out the door, it not being locked in this lonely plane. Meena and Smith followed suit as he ran into the House Chamber. There, all four of them were met by Teshub, posing dramatically at the podium. Epstein started laughing as Teshub looked down upon beings he saw as much lesser. The mood changed when a wall of fire spontaneously consumed Epstein. Out of the flame, Super BOB floated in, landing clunkily on his prosthetic legs.

Teshub was no longer as confident - he had heard word of what Super BOB had done to his +17.1i counterpart, and the 17.1i branch of the Friendly Council as a whole, during the RETCON. Epstein was screaming in agony with undead second and third degree burns covering much of his body as he crawled away. Super BOB picked Epstein up by the neck with his one arm, threw him in one of the seats in the first row of the Chamber, and muttered "Sit."

Super BOB looked at the figures in the room, and was highly suspicious of Meena's presence. "What is this about?" he asked. Teshub explained that Meena was trying to exercise some free will where "he should know there is none."

"Sounds familiar, huh, BOB?" Teshub snidely remarked.

A fight immediately broke out.

A Sterile Body (Super BOB, Jeffrey Meena, Adelheid Smith vs. Teshub and Jeffrey Epstein)

BOB threw his first punch at Teshub, but Teshub shapeshifted into the form of Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson and used his fertility and muscle to deflect the blow. Adelheid struck Epstein repeatedly in the face, free of his electoral influence. Moments after the first blows struck, Friendly Council capo Dale appeared in the Chamber, being led instinctively by his ability, The Inner Light. He didn't fight, but simply observed from afar with a look of forlorn ambiguity on his face.

Teshub kicked one of BOB's prosthetic legs out from under him, knocking him back onto one of the desks of the Congress of the Dead. BOB projected fire from his leg stump with enough force to push away from Teshub and fall into the space between two rows of seats.

Epstein phased through his seat while Adelheid was mid-punch, causing her to lose balance and fall forward into her seat. As she looked up, she saw Teshub heading toward a damaged Super BOB. But, something was strange. Teshub, too, was glowing green. A capo of the Friendly Council was set to suffer a fate that would benefit Adelheid. What could this mean?

Epstein reappeared with a chokehold around Meena. Two Jeffs, once united under one banner, engaged in a brawl for the ages. As Meena through Epstein to the floor, Epstein faded through it and came back with a ghost chair that he slammed Meena in the face with. Epstein put his hands around Meena's throat and grunted:

"Jeff, my sweet, sweet Jeff. It's too late, it's already set! You chose your own downfall!"

Meena produced a pulse of fertile energy strong enough to pull Epstein's hands from his throat and shouted:

"My time has only just begun, Jeff."

Epstein smirked that classic Jeff smirk, and said:

"In a few weeks, you'll see."

The brawl continued.

Adelheid noticed Dale and shouted to him:

"You, whose side are you on?"

Dale looked to Adelheid with his eyeless sockets, an almost fearful look on his face.

"I simply came to see if my intuitions were correct. We will know any moment now."

BOB wriggled backwards on the floor between the rows of desks, with a fervor in his remaining eye that he had not expressed in years. Teshub came down upon him, using The Rock's mighty thighs to pry BOB's other prosthetic leg from its socket. He put his massive, wrestler's hands together above his head and charged them with vast fertility, as if preparing to grant Super Death unto his opponent.

Before Dale's hands could come down, a different hand acted.

With one focused Pressure Transfer, Super BOB grabbed a congressman's pen from the floor and pointed it at Teshub's chest. In an instant, dozens of holes the width of a pen's tip cast through Teshub's body, leaving curtains of red blood darting from his back like water from a showerhead.

Teshub paused in pure shock. He had never felt pain before.

BOB managed to shuffle away from Teshub, who recoiled and screamed in grand agony. He looked to the sky.

"WHY WOULD YOU LET THIS HAPPEN? HOW COULD YOU LET THIS HAPPEN!?" His shouts echoed up the cavernous space of the Chamber.

The fighting stopped. Everyone looked at Teshub, except for Adelheid. She watched Dale lower his head and scratch it with one hand.

"So it's done then. A shame."

Adelheid moved toward Dale as he began to fade to another location. Dale again looked at her with those eyeless sockets and said:

"Enjoy what you have left, Adelheid Smith."

Teshub crawled backwards, attempting to shift his form to a shape with an intact torso. Not even a form as large as CaseOh's could hide the damage. He began to mutter:

"It's true. It's true. It's true."

BOB used his remaining energy to levitate towards Teshub. He looked down and smiled for the first time in years.

Teshub muttered:

"You shouldn't be smiling. You should know exactly what this means..."

A blinding light appeared and an enormous amount of energy was released. Teshub had removed himself from 17i.

Epstein looked on in horror. Meena tried to catch his breath, having no clue what had just happened.

"Jeff,