2024 United States Presidential Election

2024 United States Presidential Election

The 2024 United States Presidential Election took place on November 4th, 2024. It was one of the most chaotic presidential elections in US History, and saw no candidate reach the 270 Electoral College vote threshold. After a chaotic event known as the Compromise of 2024, incumbent president Jeffrey Meena would win a second term, while at the same time losing six states and the federal capital to secessionist movements.

Context

see 2020 United States Presidential Election and We Love America Yay Party

The presidency of Jeffrey Meena was a chaotic one for two core reasons: firstly, Meena's personality and personal interests led to several seemingly contradictory policy changes; and secondly, Meena's overthrow of the Crimson Bean during the events of the Coffee Coup of 2021 set the United States free of the reign of the Friendly Council, yielding in more calamity as a result of the head of state possessing some semblance of free will for the first time in 15 years.

While Meena nominally ended the Orange Lid Act, a United Nations-funded paramilitary organization known as the Insurgent Narc Fighter’s League of 8 (INFL8) remained in operation in The Gambia until their defeat in 2022's Restoration of the Mages. Around the same time, the Bean Boarders (formerly "Coffee Haus 2") sucessfully conquered and cursed Panama before threatening to invade Catalina Island, California. The island fell during a supposedly "defensive" nuclear strike ordered by Meena himself.

This sent public opinion against Meena for a solid year, but his ratings recovered in time for the announcement of his bid for reelection, especially after he officially married Vice President Maribel Sarkeesian in March of 2023. Among opposition, voiced particularly loudly by Adelheid Smith of the Witch's Coven Party, this marriage appeared to create a conflict of interest.

"How could we assume that Meena keeping Sarkeesian as his VP is a choice based on what's best for the American people and not just his personal biases. It's not like he went on a Gambian Holiday or anything." - Adelheid Smith

As this supposed conflict of interest gained traction, Meena began pivoting and trying to expand his base. He controversially proposed and put together plans for the United States to directly invade The Gambia and incorporate it as a territory (and eventually state) of the United States in order to permanently guarantee safe access to Gambian coffee for all Americans. This idea caught on like wildfire with the government and the media. The most outspoken supporter of Meena's plan was Louisiana Senator Harlow Tinfoil, a member of the We Love America Yay Party who had been looking for something interesting to do since the Iraq War. He went further with the idea, proposing an invasion and annexation of Liberia, Sierra Leone, and Senegal as well. Mainstream news channels went so fervently in the direction of the invasion that public support grew as well.

This change in momentum led to Jeffrey Meena controversially deciding to select Tinfoil as his running mate, removing his own wife from the ticket. Sitting Vice President Sarkeesian was appalled, and moved out of the White House, refusing to talk to Meena. This took place two weeks after Sarkeesian announced she was pregnant with Meena's child.

Secessionist Movements

After the loss of Церпх, several regions of the United States began to foment movements to leave the United States.

Washington, DC was so disappointed with Meena's nuclear recourse (along with its lack of representation in the federal system]] that its mayor, Akifumi Shimoda, declared the district's intention on leaving the United States. The popular movement gained momentum after several member states of the European Union announced their support for an Independent DC.

The Great Lakes States of Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois, Indiana, and Ohio had levels of support for Meena and his party nearing zero after the nuking of Церпх. Stricken by generations of decaying infrastructure with no signs of improvement, representatives from the great Lakes States met at a convention in Cairo, Illinois to form the Greater Lakes Movement, which sought the creation of a new federation where "lakers could look after lakers."

Although Florida had voted for Meena in 2020 by significant margins, support for him tanked after the federal government failed to respond to Tropical Hellfire Armando succinctly. The flames cooked much of central Florida and devastated the Bahamas as well. Florida and The Bahamas worked together to repair damages from the storm and found each other closer together than ever. US Senator Marco Rubio, who had been horrifically burned during the storm, met with Bahamian Prime Minister Philip Davis and the two decided to look into creating an economic, civil, and military union. This initiative, called the "Flahamas Movement," was met with strong opposition by the governments of the US and the UK. The contrarian nature of the average Floridian led this international consternation to convert to an atmosphere of verifiable Flahaman Nationalism. Public sentiment was firmly in favor of joining with The Bahamas after Federal Troops occupied Miami to prevent goods from leaving US waters for The Bahamas. In an event known as the Miami Tequila Party, Flahaman Nationalists dumped $10 million USD worth of Texas tequila into Miami's Harbor.

Election Year

After Meena replaced Sarkeesian with Harlow Tinfoil as his running mate, the election became much more chaotic. The three major secessionist movements had brought forth their own presidential candidates, mostly as write-in campaigns. Marco Rubio led the Flahamas ticket, Akifumi Shimoda the Independent DC ticket, and Salazar O'Conner the Greater Lakes ticket. Each of these tickets had no plans to win the election outright, but rather simply to express the will of the people of these regions to act as solid blocs, ready for secession.

Remnants of the Republican and Democratic Parties still held significant positions in local and federal governments throughout the United States. After utterly failing to regain influence during the 2022 midterm elections, members and leaders of both parties had much to consider. In 2022, just days before the War in Церпх began, the DNC and RNC combined together to discuss options in a large roundtable. Impassioned to make a decision by the traumatic sight of the alleged nuclear attack on Catalina Island, Republican and Democratic lawmakers decided that the only two things they all agreed on were as follows:

1. The neoliberal world order must stand.

2. Sonic The Hedgehog is the greatest video game series of all time.

And so, the Neoliberal Sonic Fans' Party was born, with wine mom Sharon Kay of Pennsylvania appointed as its candidate, and billionaire Jeff Bezos of Washington selected as VP.

Meanwhile, the falter of the Democratic and Republican Parties led to massive gains on the west coast and in New England for the Witch's Coven Party. The party, which was a small third-party presence in 2020, was suddenly the second-most significant party in 2024 by electoral college potential. Adelheid Smith was selected by divination to lead the 2024 ticket yet again. As was divined by the Sawtelle Witch's Coven, Arizonan witch Britt Savignon was selected as the Vice Presidential candidate.

Other third-party candidates included Independent Jimmy Carter, SWG Adam Sandler, and Pirate Vermin Supreme.

Major media outlets had scheduled three debates for all candidates who had over 15% of popular support nationwide.

The first debate, set for June 27th, was cancelled because Meena was attempting to convince his wife not to divorce him.

The second debate, on September 10th, featured Meena and Greater Lakes candidate Salazar O'Conner. There wasn't really much debate as much as the hosts of the debate spitting and throwing trash at O'Conner for trying to leave the country. The debate was deemed a great success for Meena, and O'Conner caught gonorrhea from the host's saliva.

The third debate, on October 1st, was a three-way debate between Meena, Smith, and Kay. The debate was so loud and chaotic that the public never gained a consensus on a winner.

Nevertheless, November 5th approached. Meena's image had recovered significantly from the war and his controversial VP pick, but the vote share from the Witch's Coven Party and the Neoliberal Sonic Fans kept Meena's support hovering in the low 30's% range.

Chaotic Aftermath

Within three days of election day, the worst fears of the electoral college system had been realized (again): No candidate had an outright majority of votes. Meena won the plurality, with 218 votes.

In second came Adelheid Smith of the Witch's Coven, with 148 votes.

Third place went to Salazar O'Conner of the Greater Lakes Movement, with 72 votes.

In fourth was Sharon Kay of the Neoliberal Sonic Fans, winning 67 votes.

Fifth place went to Marco Rubio of the Flahamas Movement, with 30 votes.

Finally, in sixth place, was Akifumi Shimoda of Independent DC with 3 votes.

This lack of an outright majority sent the vote to the House of Representatives. Weeks of arguments and chaos took place, and after several shady backroom conversations, the Compromise of 2024 took place.

This deal gave Meena the presidency in exchange for allowing the secessionist states to peacefully leave the Union, effective January 1st, 2025.