Jeffrey Meena
Jeffrey Meena
| Name | Jefferson Davis Meena |
| Birth | October 10th, 1960 |
| Spouse | Tara Smelt (1982-1990), Carla Ambrosia Suarez (1997-2015), Maribel Sarkeesian (2023-2025) |
| Children | Jill Meena |
| Career | Film Tycoon, Coffee Wizard, Child Trafficking |
| Known for | Film Tycoon; President of the United States |
Jeffrey Meena is a billionaire Hollywood elite who founded and leads Meena Productions.
Early life
He was born in 1960 in Salton City, California to parents Gordon Meena and Dorothy Villian Meena. His parents collected salt and thought the film industry was "evil and a waste of time," but then a tragic event occurred. The Big Salt Splash of 1975, an event in which Gordon Meena fell into a salt sludge in the sea and was never recovered. Jeffrey was at a crossroads. Given a large sum of money from his father's will, Jeffrey decidedly "turned to the dark side" and abandoned his mother and left for Hollywood.
Film Career
His first film appearance was as a pizza boy in "Attack of the Goop". He soon turned to editing B movies for people. By under-utilizing his talent and upping the number of films produced, his company was formed and quickly became one of the biggest producers of imported B movies in Hollywood. By 1980, he had a net worth of over $400 million. Meena Productions began to rival Nigeria's Nollywood companies, and he centered his business trips on gathering aspiring filmmakers from Morocco, Mauritania, Senegal, the Gambia, and Sierra Leone. He married a random but very hot woman, Tara Smelt, in 1982. Their marriage lasted only 8 years, before a harsh divorce that caused Tara Smelt to take approximately 50% of Jeffrey's wealth. This began a dark period in Jeffrey's life, where he began desperately expanding his African operations, creating 150 movies and 35 television series from 1990 to 2000. It was during this time period that he met his next wife, Carla Ambrosia Suarez, who would soon give birth to Jill Meena in 1998.
Foray into Coffee
After embarking on a quest for the power of the Crimson Bean, Meena began using Gambian children and coffee to gain fertility. This began his political career, in which he and a coalition known as FraPPUCiNO worked together to gain influence over the powers that be.
President of the United States
He won the 2020 presidential election and became the 46th president of the United States, and he emphasized an anti-Starbucks and pro-Gambia position. Without the guidance of the Friendly Council, the United States was significantly less powerful, and he was unaware of the Gambian coffee pirate movement actively taking over the Panama Canal. When the Bean Boarders invaded Catalina Island in 2022, he created a secret alliance with Iced Mondatta in order to collect fertility.
Following the tragic loss of Catalina Island and the loss of access to the Panama Canal, political tensions rose. Dissidence was fragmented as Meena's We Love America Yay Party's surprise 2020 victory destroyed the original coalitions of both the Democratic and Republican Parties. His favorability reached as low as 23% in October of 2023, but he proceeded to run for reelection.
With the majority of the US foreign policy focus centered on the happenings in West Africa, Meena made one final gambit to win favor: to incorporate Liberia and The Gambia into the United States as the 51st and 52nd states of the Union. Senator Harlow Tinfoil of Louisiana was a strong supporter of this idea, and favored annexing Sierra Leone as well for the sake of adding a francophone territory into the United States to be the new "twinsies" to the Cajun culture of Louisiana. Meena enjoyed his enthusiasm so much that he selected him as his new Vice Presidential Nominee, replacing his third wife, Vice President Maribel Sarkeesian, who was pregnant with their first child together at the time.
The Witch's Coven Party absorbed the Libertarian, Green, and Communist Parties to form a credible opposition to the WLAY Party by early 2024, with even more support coming from dissolutioned former Republicans and Democrats. The Witch candidate, Adelheid Smith returned as the 2024 nominee. Several breakaway parties formed as well, such as the Flahamas Party, the Greater Lakes Movement, and the Independent DC Party. The remaining former Republicans and Democrats reorganized themselves as the Neoliberal Sonic Fans United.
After the heated 2024 United States Presidential Election, no party came out with the necessary 270 Electoral College Votes, leaving the decision to the House of Representatives. After a convoluted series of congressional meetings known as the Compromise of 2024, Jeffrey Meena earned a second term in the White House in exchange for the creation of an independent nation of Washington, DC, the secession of Florida and its subsequent union with The Bahamas, and the creation of an independent nation of the Great Lakes.
Meena was due to begin his second term. However, due to his perceived cowardice in allowing the US to lose significant chunks of its territory to unconstitutional secessions while at the same time pushing forward the annexation of three countries in West Africa, he was impeached. The impeachment vote, held on December 28th, 2024, went through by a slight majority.
Meena was inaugurated to his second term on January 20th, 2025. After the states of Florida, Michigan, Wisconsin, Illinois, Indiana, and Ohio formally withdrew from the Union, the threshold for conviction in an Impeachment by the Senate dropped to 56, and every one of those states supported Meena because he allowed them to secede. The final vote against Meena, held on March 4th, 2025, was 57-27, making him the first president ever removed from office due to impeachment. His wife, Maribel filed for divorce two days later.
Post-Conviction
As the federal government was in the process of moving all official headquarters for government agencies out of the new independent nation of Washington, DC, to the small town of London, Texas, Meena declared the impeachment trial to be illegitimate, and thus his removal as well. Not many in the surface level government sided with him and the We Love America Yay Party put their full support behind the new president, Harlow Tinfoil.
Meena wasn't done yet, as he had friends in fertile places.