C.H.E.S.
The Connoisseurs of Herbally-Enriched Substances, or C.H.E.S. (IPA: /kʰɛs/), founded in 1743, are an organisation dedicated to maximising their Sterility via the consumption of increasingly elaborate and concentrated tea-based concoctions.
There are various dissolute sects across the world who lay claim to the name of ‘C.H.E.S.’, members of which that possess a Sterility level of at least 114,942.044 are dubbed ‘Masters’ and traditionally ranked on the following scale:
| Rank | Required Sterility |
|---|---|
| Master | 114,942.044 |
| Intranational Master | 739,085.133 |
| Extranational Master | 1,414,213.562 |
| Grand Master | 2,718,281.828 |
Among C.H.E.S.’s core tenets are:
- A requirement for each member to imbibe at least 3 cups of tea per day (increased to 3 per hour for Masters and above).
- A ban on the consumption of coffee.
- A ban on the killing and consumption of crab.
Known C.H.E.S. Grand Masters include Carlos Søren Magnussen, Nuck Chorris (founder member), King Arthur (founder member), Sir Timothy Angus McLeod, and Júlio da Silva Fenton-Awnthorpe.