Nuck Chorris

Nuck Chorris

Nuck, playing the bagpipes while enjoying his 67th cup of tea of the day

Birth	Mid 17th century
Ability	Several (see below), including Up is Where I say it is
Parents	Nuck Chorris Senior, mother unknown
Career	C.H.E.S.
Known for	Tea

Traits

Species	Immortal human
Provenance	Scottish
Height	5′ 8″
Weight	862 lbs
Eye Colour	Golden-brown, like tea
Sterility	Immesurable (literally)
Dimension	-17i

His Eminence Nuck Chorris II is the founder and acting Grand Vizier of the Second Sultanate of Greater Orkney, formerly of the Sultanate of North-East Orkney, and a C.H.E.S. founding member and Grand Master.

Additionally, Nuck is a founding member and long-standing organiser of the annual Oolong Drinking Contest.

He is not to be confused with Chuck Norris, a ficticious persona created with the sole purpose of hiding Nuck’s existence.

Life

Born to a farmer also named Nuck Chorris and an unknown mother near Inverness, Scotland, in the mid 17th century, Nuck Junior was always fascinated with tea, which had recently been introduced to Britain. Due to his low status, however, this holy beverage was sadly ever out of his reach. Struck with poverty and having suffered a near-death experience at the age of 16 during a terrible famine, young Nuck, frustrated, eloped from his father’s farm.

A Fated Encounter

On a fog-ridden September night, he happened upon a travelling salesman, whom he robbed for all his belongings, among which was a singular pouch of black tea, which he promptly resolved to drink. Nuck, having never actually made tea before, and believing its preparation to be more akin to that of a stew, let it steep until early October, for about 34 days, before considering it ready. Having exhausted the salesman’s supplies after but a single week, and with nary a bite to eat for the remainder of the month, it was a time during which only his desire for tea kept him alive.

When once a starved Nuck imbibed the entirety of his terrible concoction in a single swig, the combination of a pronounced lack of nutrients in his body coupled with the sterility-inducing properties of oversteeped tea rendered the boy extrasterile. Reinvigorated, he returned to his father’s farm, claimed it for his own, and directed all of his attention towards a singular purpose: the production of tea.

Using arcane sterility rituals he devised himself, he succeeded in cross-breeding the remainder of the salesman’s leaves with elements of the Scottish flora; this attracted the attention of the local lord, who demanded he resume growing wheat and barley as his father did before him. Having exhausted most of his sterility in creating his vile plant he dared call tea, Nuck had no choice but to flee Inverness and resolved to head to a place no-one cared to follow him to: a small peninsula known as Deerness.

Grand Vizier of Orkney

Settling in what he referred to as ‘North-East Orkney’, he began growing his tea. By the end of the following year, Nuck’s sterility had grown to surpass that of the rest of Scotland combined. He then declared the Sultanate of North-East Orkney, naming himself Grand Vizier—without so much as a shred of understanding as to what a ‘sultan’ actually was—a title he continues to hold to this day.

At some point later in life, an aged Nuck was feeling his body grow wearier with each passing day. Disgusted by his own weakness, he set out in search for a possible solution, locking himself into his study chamber for seven months and seven days, with only a barrel of tea to keep him company. Ere long, he arrived at an epiphany: simply imbibing the tea was not enough; he had to become one with the tea. Enlightened, he conducted a ritual to replace all the blood in his body with tea, restoring his youth and gaining immortality in the process.

Grand Vizier of Greater Orkney

Nuck relocated his sultanate to Greenland in the aftermath of the Woodborough Gloucestershire Problem.

Personality and Traits

Nuck is undoubtedly an expert in all matters related to sterility, though whether his mastery is the result of prodigious talent or tireless study over the course of centuries is known to Nuck alone. However, in almost every other respect in life, he remains a rather hopeless incompetent—an idiot, even. An example of this is how he picked up the words ‘sultan’ and ‘grand vizier’ from a local poet as a child, and, while at least recognising that they referred to some manner of ruler, he never took the time to learn what they actually mean, and to this day, he has yet to realise how out of place a ‘sultanate’ is in Scotland. Another example is how he continues to refer to Deerness as ‘North-East Orkney’, stubbornly refusing to admit that he simply didn’t know that it already had a name when he first arrived there.

His rather absurd weight is the result of the concentrated tea flowing through his body; as such, a right hook or roundhouse kick delivered by Nuck tends to knock out even the most seasoned of fighters. It was thus that he ended up banned for life from participating in any sort of boxing events after becoming heavyweight champion of Scotland in 1834, having vanquished each of his opponents with a single blow in the process.

Nuck’s total sterility level remains unknown, for the simple reason that any attempt at measuring it has ended with the measurement device spontaneously combusting upon contact with the Scotsman.