Hesturn Occult Research Labs

Hesturn Occult Research Labs

Founded	August 2005
Founders	Silvia Hesturn, Jean Duffle
Time Period	2005–2036

Hesturn Occult Research Labs (H.O.R.L.) is a French research facility that studies and experiments with the supernatural properties of the Universe. Their most notable achievement is the creation of the Hesturn Anomaly which also lead to the Eighth Sinking of Burong in 2036.

A Lesson in Courtship

In 2005, after Silvia Hesturn graduated Quimperlé United Institute of Technicalities with an associates degree in both mythology and rudimentary science. Him and his roommate Jean Duffle founded the Hesturn Occult Research Labs in their one-bedroom apartment. Their first project was to find a way to restore Jean's fertility which he had lost in unknown circumstances. At first, they could only access basic over-the-counter remedies such as SOLNS, Aunt Jemima's pancake syrup and coffee-based caffeine tablets. In their first months of research, they found that a combination of SOLNS and caffeine extracted from Gambian coffee were able to boost Jean's fertility by an acceptable amount for a few hours. From this, they concluded that the source of SOLNS and caffeine could hold secrets of the universe and it was under these daft assumptions that Silvia began writing the H.O.R.L. Super Truth Journal. The journal would be edited and published annually by BBB and marketed towards.

After another year of research and Jean working part-time at Nespresso, they could both afford to travel to the source of the world's best coffee and cheap SOLNS, the Gambia. By taking advantage of a loophole in Disney's Cruise Line rewards program that gave heavy discounts to disabled children and families of Gulf War veterans, the two were able to travel from France to the Gambia for just 15 Euros. While traveling up the The Gambia Rivea, Silvia and Jean randomly ran into a group of wizards that allowed them to study their artifacts and read their scriptures in exchange for their own knowledge of fertility. But once the wizards discovered that the Hesturn Super Truth Journal was nothing but "an excruciatingly false and below-elementary level of understanding of fertility", the mages wiped their memory and set the value of Silvia's fertility to just U+0415, which effectively destroyed his fertility and became a meme to whoever read his fertility.

Mid-Life Dissolution (Don't Grind Coffee Beans at 3 A.M.)

With absolutely nothing achieved, Silvia and Jean began planning a return to France but had trouble when they were banned from all Disney parks and cruise lines as well as having warrants for their arrest in the United States for defrauding the Make-A-Wish Foundation. Eventually, they managed to work their way back to France on a Russian fishing boat full of coffee captained by a man named Aleksey Pivovarov. Back in the lab again, Silvia completely restarted his research and took to a different approach of calling up deities, but no progress was made with the rituals Silvia had learned from the deep web. One night of sleepless research, when Silvia was making coffee from some of the coffee the Russian fisherman had given them, Silvia suddenly entered his dream realm. Screaming. Silvia experienced being within his own destroyed fertility with two anthropomorphic beasts gawking at him. Silvia awoke screaming, next to Jean who was also screaming. He was not just screaming out of fear but of pain from a quantum inversion happening within himself which birthed the two Super Ghosts Sköll and Hati. Silvia continued to scream as the figures from his nightmares were now in the real world. The screaming went on for the rest of the night.

Mercurial Honeymoon (Terrorism Isn't Terrorism if You Terrorize Terrorists)

Years later, in 2012, after living with Sköll and Hati for 6 years, Silvia had become adept in controlling the beasts and was able to use their powers for his experiments. He primarily used the beasts for frivolous things like robbing grocery stores and counterfeiting money. Eventually, he was able to send the beasts on smuggling missions to the Gambia to bring SOLNS and coffee back to his lab for research. This all went on until the Great Caffeinated Death of 2016 when the Gambia stopped producing coffee completely, or at least Silvia thought. One day, Mr. Sioux Red of Coffee Haus 10 contacted him through a time-rift and offered him a deal of using the beasts for bringing him fertilizer and growing lamps in exchange for coffee. This was all a shock to Silvia and Jean as they thought nobody else knew of their existence, let alone the existence of the beasts. Unknown to them, since their first run-in with the Coffee Haus Mages, they had been observing HORL closely in case they were to do something dangerous with the weak and completely wrong knowledge they did have.

The HORL and Coffee Haus 10 deal went on well for a few months until members of the The Decaf Squad were able to follow Sköll and Hati back to HORL through a malfunctioning portal. Unaware that they were dealing with divine beings, hundreds of Decaf Squad members surrounded the labs and started making demands but before they could finish, Crescent Mani and The Löwe arrived at HORL on completely unrelated business. Crescent Mani interrupted the Decaf Squad and began making demands of his own, that HORL was to release Sköll and Hati by the time of the next full moon, which happened to be about eight months from then. As he left, the Löwe destroyed most of the Decaf Squad members so that Crescent Mani could collected their fertilities in +17i.

Silvia and Jean were now under pressure to finish their work but could never achieve anything in eight month without a steady supply of coffee and needed to do something to regain power in the Gambia. Jean had an idea of assassinating Adama Barrow's son Habib Barrow and even though Sköll and Hati warned him that Habib was extra-fertile and killing him could have unforeseen consequences, Silvia liked the plan of terrorizing their enemy and commanded Sköll and Hati to carry it out anyway. That night, of May 8, 2017, Sköll and Hati traveled to the Gambia and killed Habib. The next day, Adama was outraged and assumed the Corporeal Beast had killed his son and declared the beast to be the Gambia's second greatest enemy.

Ultimate Farce (When You Know Nothing Matters, The Universe is Yours)

Now, with the Decaf Squad and the rest of the pro-Adama Barrow forces in the Gambia focused on finding the corporeal, Sköll and Hati were able to return to smuggling for Coffee Haus 10 with little resistance from the Decaf Squad. Eventually the eight months passed and on the night of the full moon, Crescent Mani appeared again to take Sköll and Hati away and Silvia complied. Before they left, Hati granted silvia the power Intercontrivity Overbooster which gave him the power to contact FUR-E beasts and basically over-simplified all quantum processes so that Silvia could understand them. Soon after the beasts were gone and before they could resume smuggling runs, Coffe Haus 10 fell and HORL was without any connection to get Gambian coffee. Silvia had gained what was to him, vast knowledge of fertility and started researching a way to make a portal like Sköll and Hati always did.

Through what appeared to be coincidence, an American man named Stefan Degrassi contacted Silvia to offer to teach him a 'purer' form of fertility, sterility. Only because of his ability was Silvia able to understand the offer and he accepted. Silvia and Jean were now challenged with finding a way to California in the United States with only about $40 which Jean had received as a birthday present from his mother. After days of browsing the deep web, they found a promising group, the Church of Lusitania Ascension which offered a completely free trans-Atlantic journey for all members annually from the port in Cherbourg-Octeville, north of labs. The only catch they could find is that it had no specific destination but it was a good start since it was completely free. Silvia and Jean both signed up for the group and started their hitching journey from Quimper to Octeville by the deadline of April 25.

This Chicken Tastes Like Steak But My Wife Ain't Complaining

On April 24, HORL arrived at the meeting spot of the group which was crowded with people in a mixture of white robes and early 1900's clothes; Silvia and Jean did not stick out at all. Early in the next morning, everyone was woken by Lusitania entering the harbor. Everyone bowed down and praised the ship including the HORL boys, they assumed it was out of respect for the free ride. After the group entered the ship, the mood lightened as people started parting like it was 1915. After a week on the Pacific, when the ship was in the middle of the journey, the rest of the people in the group began praising the ship again but this time tearing off their own clothes and speaking and tongues. Not soon after the chaos began, the ship began to sink into a space-time rift which Silvia could only perceive as a whirlpool because of his ability, nevertheless, he still panicked and called upon the FUR-Es for assistance. Tyr appeared before Silvia and Jean and before they could explain anything, Tyr took Jean and disappeared, leaving Silvia alone on the sinking ship. All other calls Silvia made to the FUR-Es for assistance were never answered.

"I ain't see no wife like your wife since a man show me his GAMBIA WIFE, Silvia" - Stefan Degrassi

Silvia awoke sitting at a table with Stefan Degrassi, Tyr, the Corporeal Beast and Jean inside of Stefan Degrassi's Chicken'n Steak. Screaming.

Boy Next Door (Holding Out For a Hero)

As Silvia and Jean were enjoying Chicken'n Steak with Stefan in California, back in France at the labs, the HORL Super Computer, a conglomerate of nearly 12,000 old Dell brand Inspiron Laptops was in the middle of its monthly deep-learning cycle of downloading every instance of gay pornography off of the Internet and analyzing it for possible fertility boosting properties. This went on normally until the system detected a large burst of fertility energy coming from the Great Barrier Reef. It wasn't just an ordinary burst of energy but was an encrypted message that the computer began trying to decode, but this was difficult with 30 million instances of 'Boy Next Door' videos playing simultaneously. The decoding would have to wait until Silvia or Jean returned to the lab.