All-American Suckers
All-American Suckers
| Founded | 1861 |
| Founders | Abraham Lincoln, The Assistant |
| Time Period | 1861-1984 |
| Historical Context | American Civil War, Reconstruction |
| Members | 256 (1873), 12 (1984) |
| Goals | steal the blood of unholy beasts |
| Allies | Not Deer |
| Enemies | Confederate States of America |
The All-American Suckers were an elite team of "vampires" who "sucked" the "blood" of their enemies.
Initially created as a branch of the Pinkerton Detective Agency, the Suckers were adopted into the federal government of the United States as a covert group instructed directly by US President Abraham Lincoln to find and kill people interested in giving human-level sentience to animals, plants and fungi.
While most "scientists" involved in these endeavors were crackpots and snake oil salesmen interested only in tricking the public by using the wonders of electricity, knowledge of their deaths in quick sequence and dramatic fashion brought greater and greater passion to those who truly were interested in bringing the gift of sentience to nonhuman species.
During the Vicksburg campaign of the United States Civil War, the Suckers descended upon a tavern in the besieged city, where they encountered a secret gathering of the Fountain of Youth, a group of former Spanish Conquistadors who had not only found the gift of extended life in the form of a particular breed of tobacco, but had successfully turned their capes into conscious beings. The Conquistadors were mostly eradicated, except for a turncoat named Joaquin De Los Pavos, who begged that their capes be granted mercy. The capes, who could move, grovelled and begged for a second chance. The Suckers reluctantly accepted, and wore the sentient capes thenceforth.
In 1872, the group discovered a herd of Not Deer who had decided that sentience was a curse to be expunged. As such, they joined forces with the Suckers, who often used them as their mounts when going on "hunts" for enemies.
Thanks to their efforts, most of the sentient animals and their creators were eradicated by 1912, all supposedly in the name of Abraham Lincoln. Only the Not Deer were allowed to remain.